The Thrill of Cheating Without Actually Doing It

I am having an affair. I have been sneaking time away, trying to wait for moments to be with him. Fixing my hair and make-up when I know he might show up. Trying to act respectable at the neighborhood barbecue, knowing the whole time that the innocent comment he made was made for me and like me, not so very innocent. I hate that there are times where I go days without seeing him. Does he think of me when he is all alone? When I walk into a room, does his breath hitch and does a flicker of desire flow through him like it does me? These moments, our moments, make my face burn in delight with the guilty pleasure of loving him. All the more guilty because these wicked thoughts float in and out of my everyday moments, while I'm folding laundry and washing dishes; I dream of these secret times. No one would ever think it, to see us together--he's so cool, so even, and so very, very honest and true. And me, well, I am the PTA volunteer, the SAHM, a poster girl for cupcake baking, not corsets and lingerie.

Nobody is likely to know of this affair. How many people have affairs with their spouse?

Passion and lust are something that fire up early on, tempered by other practical feelings, such as "Will he call me tomorrow? Is he a good person? What if we had kids? Is he faithful? Does he leave his underwear on the floor? Will it last?" Life has a way of, if not smothering passion, at the very least lowering its flames to embers. So imagine my fascination with this feeling. This feeling that has hovered in the background of my life for so long, has now taken center stage. This gift discovered because of time. Time that is not spent feeding a baby, diapering a bottom, or helping someone open their juicebox. Being a mother is a beautiful thing, a thing I revel in, but being a lover has its own allure. I am not even sure when this affair started or how, but I know that when I turn to him at night, I am thinking "Yes, I remember you, I remember this." Except now, all those nagging questions have been answered. I know him truly, I love him deeply, and desire him completely. A long time ago, he was my lover first, my best pal second, and I now I feel like I have suddenly spun back in time and remember why we chose each other to begin with, why our marriage even happened.

To find this lover again--who had disappeared at times into other labels of husband, father, soldier, friend, lost in a maze of domesticity with my alter egos of mother and wife--is heaven itself. Thank you Lord for guiding me to choose him, for giving me the gift of a beautiful, wonderful, sanctified passion with my best friend.