Why deployments suck

February is the month my husband deployed. I have been very blessed. We have had time to heal from the deployment, but I still think about it at this time of year.

A deployment is something that is impossible to explain to a civilian family. I have had civilian wives tell me, "My husband travels a lot too, so I know what it is like." Uh, no, you don't, trust me. Your husband can call you when he feels like it, he could come home for weekends and special occasions, he doesn't have to wear his uniform 24/7, and the biggie: I seriously doubt anyone is trying to kill him and his co-workers. So it is not the same, not at all.

The time leading up to the deployment is almost as bad as the deployment itself. Something like standing in front of a firing squad, the main thought being, "Just do it already!" You know it is going to happen, you know you can't stop it (although I think every spouse secretly thinks that some miracle might happen and your spouse won't have to go--I think we believe that up until we see them walk away with all their gear over their shoulder). So mostly you just want it to start. The sooner it starts, the sooner it ends. And there is a tumult of feelings where you want to cling so desperately to your husband and yet at the same time you want to withdraw into yourself to test how it feels to be alone. Everything you do has a pall over it, knowing that next year, the anniversary, the birthday, the Christmas, will be one that you have to do alone.

The night before a deployment is a sad attempt to grasp time as hard as you can and slow it down. You want to be together, but you can't shake the fear that this could be the last time. The last time you touch, the last time he runs his hands over your body. Even if the rational side of you knows that the chances are very good that he will come back to you, even if you know that...the fear still sits in the corner of your mind, until your last time together just breaks your heart and leaves you with tears silently running down your face, praying he doesn't notice. Praying he could just disappear into you, and you could keep him safe forever. Praying that morning waits.

But it doesn't. You never really know how much you love someone until you think you might never see them again. I dropped my husband off outside the area where all the other soldiers were waiting to deploy. We kissed good-bye in the parking lot. A hard kiss, a long hug, the stuff of romance, but there is nothing romantic about watching your husband walk away from you. There is nothing romantic about knowing that a year stretches before you.

There is nothing romantic about knowing that one day you will probably have to do it again.

Why I started a blog

This fall my life will be changing in a dramatic way. I will be home alone for the first time in almost ten years. I have spent ten years being a SAHM. I gave up a promising teaching career (well, not monetary promising, but fulfilling promising, plus, I was good at it!!!). I gave up a life outside myself so that I could devote my energies to my infant daughter, who turned into a preschooler with a sister. I don't regret this. Not one single bit. I love being the one who raises my girls, the one who takes care of them all the time.

My Catholic faith teaches that we all have a calling, a vocation. After my first child was born, I realized my true vocation. It was being a wife and mother. This may sound silly, but I did feel the power of the Holy Spirit telling me this was right. I felt so completely fulfilled devoting myself to their care. I loved being a mom. I rarely missed the concept of "me time." Of course, I was raised in a culture where "me time" and motherhood were never believed to go together. I can hear my mother's friends now, "Me time? Que es eso? You're a mom, no hay 'me time.'" I tend to agree with them. If you have a kid, it is fully committing yourself to another's welfare, it is thinking outside and beyond yourself.

And now, my little one will probably be heading off to kindergarten soon (I say probably because she and school haven't mixed well so far, so...we will see how that goes). Once she does this, I will be ALONE all day!!! This hasn't happened to me since....gee...I can't even remember. The last time I was free from my motherly duties I was in the ICU. From my hospital bed I was busily directing my mother and husband in exactly what needed to be done and how to find the things needed to do so.

Now I am so close to some freedom. So close that I desperately need to find something to occupy myself. What do mommies do when they are laid off or get their hours cut? I am trying to dig deep down into my being and discover a little remnant of me. I have always enjoyed writing and have decided that I should take all the little story ideas I have and finally do something about them because now I can. In addition to my little stories I thought that maybe if I forced myself to write on a regular basis, it would be a good exercise for me. Sort of like your middle school English teacher made you keep a journal because it is good writing practice. Thus, the birth of my blog!!

In spite of my hatred of blogs and bloggers and all things blog, here I go starting one. I am trying to figure out a theme for my blog and am still working on that. Right now I am kind of liking the "why" concept, and I am flirting with a hate blog where I would just bitch and moan continually about things. Why? Mostly because I am good at that.

I do know that somewhere, buried under all the momminess and wifely stuff is a person who used to have ideas and thoughts and a self-concept beyond motherhood. I am going to find her again. At least during my hours off. The rest of the time I am still very happy being MOM.